*24.07.05 Selective Hearing vs Effective Listening - Episode 4 of 100

Link to video:

v5570z6-selective-hearing-vs-effective-listening.html

Script:

There were some odd comments, by Myk's Philippine Journey, in regard to The Filipina Pea's video entitled, "Death of Your Spouse".

Pea's video was about how you should consider the situation a young Filipina would face when you, a much older expat, should pass away or leave her for other reasons after a long term relationship.

Myk said some perfectly fine things. But as is often the case, he goes too far.

He starts out by claiming some commenters on his channel were wrong to say Pea's video was only about a spouse or that the expats were 60 or more years old:

"What you're seeing here is, is men saying, you know, they're, she's talking about this, she's talking about the spouse, she's talking about um, 60-year-old men, older men, okay? And I'm going to discredit that part, right?"

And on this, Myk is correct.

But Pea was not talking about just any relationship either. She's actually pretty restrictive as you will soon see.

"So she literally said, 'Depending on what kind of relationship, she may be exchanging her best years for a relatively short period of care and companionship, but she can be left with nothing once you're gone'. So she's not just talking about just being a spouse."

True. But that doesn't mean it can be any relationship either.

Acknowledging the EXISTENCE of many kinds of relationships doesn't mean all kinds of relationships are the subject of her video. It's much like a teacher of macro-economics who may start out the course referring to the many things that are part of an economy, even the kid with a paper route after school. But then go on and talk about the big things that the course is actually about. The professor is simply framing the focus of the course, but a macro-economics course is NOT going to be ABOUT a kid with a paper route, nor other micro-economic issues. Pea is making a similar introduction in regard to relationships.

You see, the use of the phrase "depending on" is actually a restriction, not an expansion of meaning. Like if a fitness instructor says, "Depending on your height and weight, you may need to more closely follow today's lecture on diet". If you don't fit a problematic height and weight combination, then your category isn't the subject.

Over and over Pea's context emphasizes a situation where there is a notable age-gap.

It is also about long term relationships since Pea keeps pointing out things, like how the Filipina may give up the flower of her youth.

Basic logic tells you that a relationship, measured in only months, is not giving up the flower of anyone's youth.

But Myk claims it is about ANY relationship.

"That's Pea's quote right there, not mine. This is copy and pasted. It showed it wasn't just for spouse. It was any relationship." 

Not any relationship. Pay attention and over and over again you'll see when Pea gives specifics, they show there is an age gap, that it is a long term relationship, and the Filipina cares for and is devoted to the expat.

Sure, the guy could be younger than 60. I retired closer to 50, but I was still retired with all the benefits Pea talked about that an expat can bring to the Philippines. You don't hear much about even these younger retirees dating women over 40 years old, so the age gap still applies. Thus they would still fit in the type of relationship Pea is focused on.

Because in the situations Pea describes, when the man passes on, the Filipina has a good chance to live for another 20 or 30 years with little income, little chance of finding another husband, and having a much harder time finding a job - much harder than a similarly aged woman in the west.

One seemingly small, but important point, is where Myk says the words he shows on screen that Pea supposedly said is "copy and pasted". These are the words you heard earlier about "what kind of relationship..." you may be in. He's quite emphatic about it. Now, I'm not saying Myk changed her context this time. He did change her words though. Still, the context was close enough.

So what is the important point? Well, what happens when you copy and paste? You get EXACTLY the same results as the original. But I listened to what Pea said and compared it to what Myk showed on screen and they didn't match. Trying to be fair, I considered that maybe Google's auto-transcription messed up and Myk copied and pasted that. So I checked the subtitles on Pea's video. They matched what Pea said, but not what Myk said was a copy and paste!

I find that rather interesting! I mean, sure, in this case it didn't make any meaningful difference, but when it comes to credibility, Myk's claim that it was a copy and paste doesn't hold up, does it? Something either is or is not copy and paste. Since it didn't match, what excuse does Myk have for saying it was? And how often does he make other absolutist claims that aren't true?

Just something to think about!

"She also said in minute four, 'If you're just casually dating someone then there's no big deal'. So you don't have to worry about her, right?'"

Right there, Myk actually confirmed Pea is NOT referring to all relationships, because she just excluded casual dating.

When Pea points out that the Filipina probably won't want to talk about these future problems, so you should bring it up yourself, Myk says:

"But they don't want to listen. So if I bring it up, they still don't want to pay attention, right? But if they don't want to talk about it, why do you still need to talk about it? My thing is, as a responsible adult, sure let's bring it up, but if they don't want to listen, it's out the ear after you it entered the other ear it went out the other ear. Then who is accountable for that? The man did his job, but if the Filipina is not wanting to listen or hear all that stuff, once again I am talking about self-accountability."

Why assume they won't listen? Just because someone doesn't want to talk about something doesn't mean they won't listen if you bring it up! Be a man and take the initiative!

Frankly, it sounds a lot like the things I used to hear from young men who happily took advantage of naive women. That, "Gee, it's the woman's fault for not checking enough to make sure I'm not a jerk".

Sure, a woman should be responsible too. But failure of one to be make good decisions is not an excuse for another to take advantage of them. You should lock your car and take your keys, but if you fail to do so, it doesn't excuse a car thief!

A real man will bring it up, and do so as often as necessary, because feelings can change over time.

If the man feels the Filipina is just refusing to deal with reality, he shouldn't be taking advantage of her foolishness.

"She says, you know, Filipinas are no stranger to caring for the elderly. We're world-renowned caregivers and we make some of the best nurses. Yet if you go to 3 minutes and 22 seconds, she talks about, what, are you going to die alone, hire a nurse, and the nurse, she said, was gonna eventually try to make things faster so she can collect your belongings."

That's a bogus comparison. Let's look at Pea's clip to see why:

"Are you going to go back to your home country to an assisted living facility? Or maybe stay here and hire a nurse to help you in your later years, hoping she won't speed the process along so she can have first crack at your personal belongings."

How did Myk miss the obvious, that it was a joke? I thought he believed that body language and tonality mattered more than words, yet he missed both those clear signals?

Besides, back up and watch that clip again. Pea didn't say the nurse was going to do anything bad.

The context was about what the FOREIGNER may be worried about. Many elderly in the west worry about the same thing, whether there is a good reason for concern or not.

So it isn't about what the nurse WILL do, but what many elderly people FEAR will happen. I've seen this concern many times in the west. Think how much more concern there will be when your family is thousands of miles away and unable to check on you on a regular basis!

Now, let's look at The Filipina Pea's actual video to see what she really is focused on - and it isn't about ALL relationships!

"Now some of you guys feel very lucky to have met a partner here, and she probably feels very lucky to have you. What will happen if you reach your golden years and she's still middle-aged and what happens after that?"

"Partner?" Certainly implies a serious relationship.

And if in the future the guy is in his golden years and the Filipina is just middle aged, then we can have a pretty big age gap.

"The expats who come to Southeast Asia are often older than the general population. You probably won't be able to make any money in this country. And you have to have an independent source of revenue to stay here for the rest of your life. So it only makes sense that many of the foreigners who move here are already retired. Not all, but the majority."

So now you know why most of the expats will be older - they usually can't make money in the Philippines so they need retirement income.

Sure, there are exceptions, but the issues Pea says you should think about involve these older men with long-term, age-gap relationships with a caring partner, married or not.

"What happens, 20 or 30 years down the road."

Sounds long term to me!

"Your Filipina might be exchanging her best years for a relatively short period of care and companionship."

The Filipina must be fairly young to be exchanging her best years!

"Enjoying woman after woman can only last so long. So what's your end game? What happens when you get too old to care for yourself. Or are you going to wait till the last minute and hope to finally build a quick relationship with someone who genuinely cares what happens to you?"

Obviously describing an older man by the time he seeks a CARING relationship.

You see, while Pea mentions various relationships here and there, they are consistently contrasted with the long term, serious, caring relationships with an age gap. These are the relationships that fit the things she says you should think about.

"If you have no plans of marriage or at least a permanent partnership, then what's really in it for the Filipina? In cases like these, a Filipina is often trading the flower of her youth for what a few years of rent and food?" 

Again "the flower of her youth" would cover years.

"Life definitely doesn't get any easier for a single woman in this country. It's not like the west."

That's an important point.

A woman in the west has far more options for remarrying or getting a job than an older Filipina does. Pea details why in her video. Thus the importance of what Pea is saying you should think about.

But Myk had a weird response to Pea's comment of, "it's not like the west". He said it was the same!

"And, and this is where, where there's a problem here. Is because it is just like in the west." 

That's just weird. I mean, Pea just explained a series of problems for the older Filipinas that is simply more severe than an older western woman faces. Lack of job opportunities, especially good opportunities, far worse discrimination against older women in the job market, not to mention probably being poorer to begin with. So how on earth is it "the same" as the west??? Well, by ignoring what Pea was actually pointing out as being different:

"The natural selection, the natural culture, you know, the natural, you know, um, I can't find a word right now. Um, but anyways, the hypergamy to women is just there, okay? They can't, they can't remove that. That's intertwined in their DNA and their minds, whatever, their brains."

What Pea was pointing out as different isn't hypergamy! It was about the opportunity a Filipina has in the Philippines compared to a woman in the west. They simply are not the same. Pea was correct. Myk disagreed with her by literally ignoring the point she was making! Selective hearing at work!

He can talk about hypergamy all he wants. But he's out of line when he opposes what she said by changing the point!

"Now if she knows the deal in advance, then of course it's up to her to make her own choices. But what a lot of you folks don't consider when you hang out with a woman for an extended period is the opportunity cost for the Filipina. By spending time with you, she's passing up any other chances she might have had to find a secure future. Is it really fair to let her have false hope? Just don't string her along, and for God's sake, don't pretend to be someone you're not. Be honest with your partner. An honorable man will explain his true situation and intentions."

So her focus isn't about transactional relationships either, other than for the guy to be honest about his intentions as well as his own situation.

Seems fair to me.

"So is assuming you feel a healthy sense of responsibility for the woman you're with and truly care what happens to her if something should happen to you, what can you do?"

Here Pea got into some details of what you may consider doing if you are in a serious, long-term, caring, age-gap relationship - the ones her video is focused on.

"The first thing is to secure her finances. If you took her away from a job or encouraged her not to work, you might want to consider giving her an allowance equal to her wage, or better yet, invest it for her in an account that she can't drain the minute her brother-in-law convinces her to buy him a jeepney."

"Another strategy of course is to leave her enough in your will to last her. At least make arrangements for your own medical care and funeral expenses."

"So how can you help if you have no resources yourself? Well even if you don't have much money, you can show her how to start a business even if it's something very simple to start, like her own little curbside food stand. Once she builds up a small nest egg, show her how to invest a modest sum now so she has something to work with when you're no longer able to help her at all. Just make sure that you give some thought to the woman who's stuck by you and devoted herself to caring for."

Seems like a very reasonable list of things you can do, depending on your economic situation.

But note the part about how you may have had her quit her job so she would always be home to cater to you.

If you did that, you do owe her something if you split up or you die. Taking away her ability to make her own money, for YOUR benefit, leaving her destitute when you are gone, just shows you are a despicable narcissist.

The Filipina would have not only have lost years of income, but have reached the age where it is much harder to get another job.

That last part is also noteworthy.

If someone is being devoted to you, it fits with all the other examples of what relationships she is focusing on. As I said, when Pea gives specifics, it either fits into the long term, caring, age gap relationships or it is to eliminate some other kind of relationship from the concerns she is talking about.

"It's equally important to help her find a healthy way to feel about things if you should pass away. There's often a lot of guilt associated with pursuing a relationship after a death of a partner. It's not fair for your Filipina to mourn for the rest of her youth as a way of honoring your memory and the love you had. I know this is hard to contemplate, but if it's something you could do, please try to alleviate her guilt by assuring her that the best way to honor your memory is to live a happy life and to find love again, if she can."

Another loving relationship, married or not, where you are likely to die long before the Filipina would. After all, if she didn't care about you, why would she waste years before moving on?

In Myk's first video on this, he claimed the things Pea was saying was a sign of growing feminism.

Sorry, but it is just being a responsible man, which is the same now as it was with my parents back in the 1940s. And their parents before that.

Just because you have more couples just living together - especially in the Philippines - a real man doesn't take advantage of his woman. Just as a real woman doesn't take advantage of her man.

This includes doing what you can for their future when you are gone. How much will vary on many things. Especially if you simply broke up after a lot of years together and assuming it wasn't because she was cheating on you or something. I'll need to cover such possibilities in another video. I do plan some on relationships.

Various times since Myk made these initial reaction videos, he has claimed Pea is saying guys should pay "girlfriend alimony". But that is false. The only thing Pea says to do is think about the situation your Filipina faces in the Philippines. Second, there is no such thing as "girlfriend alimony". Alimony of any kind is a legal matter. Choosing to do something for a caring, devoted partner to help her future is a free choice that a caring man would consider to be logical.

Thanks for watching and don't let the trolls stop you from speaking out.