*24.07.19 Did The Filipina Pea Make a Mistake?

Link to video:

https://rumble.com/v56ze7x-did-the-filipina-pea-make-a-mistake.html

Script:

Welcome back to my channel.

Most of my videos have been about trolls. But I also have intended on getting into the subject of relationships because I think there is so much crap going on between men and women's attitudes that someone needs to point out both sides are nuts! In fact, their attitudes towards each other often sound a lot like trolls!

This video will be reacting to The Filipina Pea video from June 14th, entitled "The Naked Truth About Age Gap Relationships In The Philippines". I found much to agree with, but also details to add.

So part of this video will be talking about her comments on large age gap relationships.

But I also found an error she made. One which many people make, so I think it may be good to point that out too so people can learn from it.

And there was something that I've also heard even from various medical people, which I happen to disagree with. At least in how it is presented. It's just a pet peeve of mine that I want to cover.

So, let's get started.

"If you visit the Philippines, you're immediately going to come face to face with couples who have an age disparity of 10, 20, sometimes even 30 years. You'll probably have an instinctive gut reaction to it and might see it as creepy, immoral, and even predatory. But is that the way we see it, or are you just looking at the situation through the lens of your own culture when it comes to the chronologically challenged."

That's a pretty good opening synopsis. She's right. Many will see it as creepy. Or as an older man being predatory towards young women who are poor and desperate. That certainly happens. And we do have to be careful about just assuming our cultural norms are the correct ones.

"If I see a 70-year-old with a 20-year-old, I'll probably wonder what the deal is too, but maybe that's my own personal bias showing and I try to keep those to myself."

I'd have the same reaction. And I do feel it is generally good for society to view such relationships in a somewhat negative way, just as a general discouragement.

But like Pea, I'd keep my concerns to myself when it comes to real people rather than act like some stereo-typical old lady gossiper!

Let's move on to Pea's little mistake. It's one I've seen a lot.

"According to a recent survey of 3,000 Americans, people with a gap of 10 years were 39% more likely to split up compared to couples who were closer in age and at 20 year age gap increased the failure rate to 95%. That's some pretty strong evidence against age gaps."

Pea gets the first one right, saying it is 39% more likely to fail with a 10 year age gap. But she gets the second one wrong by saying a 20 year age gap, "Increased the failure rate to 95%".

But that isn't what the study said. As with the first example, it was how much GREATER chance there was for a divorce, not what the actual percentage of divorces there were.

We need to know the base reference numbers to really understand the data, but Pea's source didn't give that information. Nor could I find it elsewhere. Let me demonstrate why this matters.

Let's pretend the reference point for those in same age marriages is 48% get divorced. Well, a 95% INCREASE would give a total of 93.6%. In that case, no real problem as it's pretty close to what Pea said.

But what if the reference point is only 20% divorced? Well, giving a 95% increase would only bring the total to 39%. Certainly a big jump, but far, far below a total of 95%!

I catch this same issue in other areas, like researching for the increased risk of a newborn baby having health issues if the mother is over 40. I'll see references to the INCREASED risk, but without the numbers used as the reference point, it isn't very helpful.

I probably looked at a dozen links about this and not one gave the reference point numbers! Drives me nuts! Anyway, watch out for how statistics are presented. It's easy to get it wrong.

As Pea points out, there are other factors to consider:

"But that research was conducted in the west where societal pressure might have a lot to do with the added friction. When everyone's staring at you with looks of silent disapproval. It can take a toll in your relationship. But does the same situation exist in the Philippines? Actually no, it doesn't. The truth is if you're walking around with a much older Foreigner chances are that the only looks you'll be getting are jealous ones."

She's right. Western culture will impact your relationship. I remember a white man who married - and later divorced - a black woman. The couple seemed to be fine, but there were constant problems with family and friends who couldn't accept a mixed race marriage and that is what eventually stressed things enough where they got a divorce.

I've seen some older expats in the Philippines who say their friends left them when they married a younger woman. But maybe that isn't as much of a problem if you are in the Philippines. I mean, if it is their friends in their home countries, well, how often would they even see them? And if the Filipino families are okay with it, that further reduces the stress on these marriages. But that's all just possibilities. It would be great to have real studies on these marriages specifically in the Philippines.

Pea next addresses how Filipinos often see the age gap relationship between western men and Filipinas:

"But the other reason, to put it bluntly, is that foreigners are usually seen as a higher status symbol and it's presumed that the woman involved not only found a man that's single but who can give her a better life. We Filipinos are practical people sand there's nothing wrong with having a brighter future."

This usually brings up men making an issue about a woman's propensity towards hypergamy, or a man taking advantage of a young, poor woman.

Nothing fundamentally wrong with hypergamy. A woman would be foolish, especially if poor, if she doesn't consider whether or not a man can provide economic security.

As for the men taking advantage of desperate women, that certainly happens. But what if the man actually loves the woman and plans to care for her the same as he would in a more typical marriage in the west? Oh, there are plenty of concerns, even if they both love each other, but we shouldn't judge people based on assumptions they are in it for the wrong reasons.

My big question isn't about the age gap to start with. Take even a 65 year old and a 25 year old. That's pretty extreme, but to me the big issue is what happens when you are 80 and she is only 40? You may be okay at 65, but look rather decrepit and need constant special care for the rest of your life when 80 or even sooner. How is the Filipina going to feel about the marriage then?

I know Pea has talked about Filipinas being culturally inclined to care for their elderly and I expect that is true. But is it more about caring for an elderly parent or grandparent as an automatic thing, but maybe not so much with the husband? I don't know. It's just an important question!

Pea addresses what is a common western attitude:

"It seems inconceivable to you that a woman could look at a guy who's 20 years older than she is and see anything of value."

This is something I've often thought about. Few people think twice if a man falls in love with a beautiful woman. Most people would view it as a natural thing. Well, women historically have looked for a man who provides security. Today, that is mostly economic security. So if someone can provide what they primarily want, is it not possibly quite natural that they also fall in love with them?

I have no idea how all this works out overall, but it makes basic sense to me.

"But the most common objection I hear about age gaps involves a lack of shared interests and common goals. I mean what could a man in his 50s possibly have in common with a woman in her 20s?"

Good point, which applies to many things, not just age gaps. Economic differences, religious, education. But no simple answer. Just lots of things a potential couple better talk a lot about!

While lack of shared interests or views can certainly be a problem, I don't think it is an absolutist thing. I think it may be a bigger problem when with others. That is, if you are at a gathering of the Filipina's friends and they are all much younger, you may feel out of place. Same for the Filipina if meeting with your friends - with the added problem that if it a gathering of families, the other women may feel threatened about such a young wife being there!

"Doesn't a younger woman want to go out bar hopping and dancing with her friends? At an age where a much older man might be perfectly content just watching the sunset with his woman by his side, wouldn't that be considered boring as hell by his younger mate? If you immediately answered 'yes', it's probably because you're thinking like a westerner again. Most Filipinas, the good ones anyway, don't want to party till the sun comes up."

I bet some people will disagree with that, but then, a lot of guys seem to spend most of their time in bars. Not exactly my first choice for finding a mate! Personally, I wouldn't even be interested in a woman who wanted to spend a lot of time in bars. Not even when I was young.

This next part was very interesting, where Pea talks about why you may not have much success even if you look for an older Filipina close to your own age:

"If you think of being with an older Filipino will solve any problems with compatibility, think again. I don't know how to put this delicately, but even if you choose a woman close to you in years, trust me, there's no guarantee you'll be any more compatible in the conversation department. Many members of the older generation don't speak English as well as the younger ones and the range of topics can be even more limited especially in the case of a provincial woman who might not have many interesting life experiences at all."

Elsewhere, Pea points out that there is also just going to be a shortage of older woman available. Most are already married, even if not living with their husbands. With no divorce, they still aren't part of the dating pool. So most of the attention you will get will be from younger women. As Pea says, it's supply and demand.

Those may be the most important things Pea points out. I bet most who haven't been to the Philippines are unaware of the difficulty of finding older women who fit their needs.

"The other potential compatibility issue involves the question of children. Filipinas typically want to have kids, especially if they don't already have any from a previous relationship. Now depending on the guy and what stage of life he's at, this can admittedly be a problem, but I found that most mixed couples get around it. Some guys make it clear from the start that kids are out of the question. Some don't mind having a child or two and I've talked with several men who say they'll give their younger wife a child as a parting gift before the final curtain. As long as you work it out beforehand, you can usually deal with the issue. The problems occur when you put off having the discussion because if children are something your partner wants she's not going to change her mind."

Oh yes, children are a big deal. I'll go a bit further than Pea. That is, even if a Filipina says she's okay with no kids, I'd consider that she may well change her mind later. After all, even in the west, woman often don't seem to care about having kids and just want to focus on their career. And then they get well into their 30s and realize they are messing up! So I'm sure not going to be surprised if Filipinas change their mind.

Another thing about having children. If you are much older, you are likely to pass on before your child even becomes an adult. You should certainly consider the repercussions of that.

But it goes further than just the question of having kids or not. I often see interviews with Filipinas concerning whether they would marry someone with a different religious belief. Most of the time they say they would. What they don't think about are the kids. Because a person who may be fine with their adult partner having different beliefs, when it comes to the kids, both spouses may suddenly decide it is very important they be brought up in their religion!

In any case, Pea is correct. You better talk about it early in the relationship!

"Now for you guys that actually want children or maybe to start the family you never had, there are clear and obvious benefits to having a much younger wife and the most obvious benefit is only an issue because we managed to fool Mother Nature."

"We live too long and as a result our sex drives are out of sync. For most of mankind's history, we had a lifespan of about 35 years. Women typically stayed fertile until they died and maintained a healthy sex drive from the time they became adult. But evolution didn't keep up with advances in modern medicine and now we often live into our 70s and 80s. We weren't meant to live this long and as our lifespans increased, so did the disparity in our sex drives."

Pea has a good point here. However, she also brings up something that has been a pet peeve of mine since I was in elementary school and I see people in the medical field say the same things. It doesn't really alter her point, but it's just something that bugs me. So let me go a bit off topic for a moment.

Those life expectancy estimations were heavily skewed because of high infant mortality rates. Get past childhood and you could expect to live quite a long time. For example, the Founding Fathers lived at a time when the life expectancy was under 40. Maybe only 35. Yet they lived to an average age of 66! Many lived to 80 or more!

Maybe we should separate "life expectancy" and "natural lifespan". 

I saw this approach used with sea turtles. I'd see references to their natural lifespan being 50 to 100 years. Only 1 in 1000 or even 10,000 reach adulthood so obviously those early deaths simply weren't included. The 'natural lifespan" more accurately reflects how long their bodies are designed to live. We should take a similar approach when talking about humanity.

"The average woman hits menopause at age 51, which can reduce libido and make sex less comfortable. It doesn't mean no desire at all, but it generally results in less activity in the bedroom. So now we have half the older population not as interested in sex and the other half wondering what the heck happened. We tricked mother nature and this is her revenge." 

This is a bit off since those who reached the age of marriage would also have a higher life expectancy into the future. After all, they are already past the deadly childhood years. So there were always plenty of couples with a mismatched sex drive, though no doubt fewer than now.

I would add another problem, even with young couples. At least in the west. Because so many of them end up with a wife who cut sexual access drastically fairly early in the marriage. Even to just once a month! That has nothing to do with menopause!

So a worthwhile addition would be to know how Filipinas are after a marriage, but long before menopause.

"But just as with sex, the issue goes way deeper than finances. An older man is more mature and settled, which are often the two main things that a younger woman values, especially a Filipina. An older guy has already gone through his wilder days and no woman wants to marry a child that decides he's not ready to settle down 8 months after the woman becomes pregnant. That happens a lot here and every Filipina knows it. There's also the mentor effect. An older western guy is often full of wisdom and sage advice. A Filipina can learn more about the way the world works in 30 minutes with an older foreigner then she'd get in a year of being with the average local guy her same age."

Yes, a man valued BECAUSE they are mature and settled. This may well be more important in the Philippines. After all, in the west it is more likely the woman can go her own way if the man is immature. A Filipina is often barely getting by. But isn't in a position to risk an immature guy in hopes he'll soon grow up and stop wasting money at the local bar.

Likewise about wisdom. Western women are likely more aware of things worldwide. So maybe they feel less need for a man who is worldly.

"Now I'm not saying that every older man has the purest of intentions or the knowledge to make a big difference in a woman's life. Some clearly do not. But the average mature man usually brings quite a bit to the table in that regard. Now if you're only interested in very young women and your primary concern is her age, then you might have some other issues going on and we all know how I feel about that."

Certainly some men don't have good intentions and are just out to exploit vulnerable women. And some men aren't mature or wise at all! The point about some old men ONLY being interested in really young women is important.

Let's make up an example. A 60 year old man goes on dating sites. Let's suppose he puts down that he's looking for someone between 30 and 40. Now, he may end up with someone younger for all the reasons Pea pointed out concerning the lack of availability, etc, of older women.

Assuming he is looking for a real relationship and not taking advantage of someone just because they are poor, that's okay. Could be problems down the road, but nothing inherently wrong about it. It's just how things worked out.

But what if the guy went on the dating site and said he was only interested in women who are 18 to 19 years old? To me, that would be an instant red flag. After all, he's focused on the youngest, legal girls. If he's looking for a really attractive woman, there is no shortage that are in their 20s or so. So why be so restrictive? Unless it is to deliberately seek out those who may be most naive?

Sure, it may be legitimate, but there is far more reason to have serious doubts about the real intentions of a person like that.

Just some things for you to think about.

Thanks for watching and don't let the trolls stop you from speaking out.